Humor

Worse Sex Can Be Yours — Tonight!

It had come to this. A comprehensive video series on improving marital sex. Eight years into our relationship, I didn’t think my husband, Ben, and I would still be having sex, let alone improving it. After seeing numerous articles with titles like “20 Ways to Tap the Keg of His Desire” and “15 Viagra-Based Casseroles,” I’d assumed married men automatically lost physical interest in their wives over time… [Read more]

 

Chicken Soup for the Pedophile’s Soul

Dear Mr. Summers: Thank you for your continued interest in Health Communications, Inc. Regarding your inquiry into our decision not to purchase your manuscript, “Chicken Soup for the Pedophile’s Soul,” allow me to address a few of your specific concerns… [Read more]

 

Recent Contributors to the New Yorker

Everett Jones (“It’s Like Drachmas in the Mail,” p. 55) is a senior foreign correspondent for Val-Pak. Peter Aikens (“[Fwd: Fwd: Ha Ha!],” p. 70) delights friends, relatives and former co-workers with forwarded email. Currently between jobs, he’s at work on a screenplay… [Read more]

 

Sheryl Crow Addresses the American Cancer Society

Pop superstar Sheryl Crow, delivering a keynote address to oncologists at the American Cancer Society last week, intrigued her audience by positing that the best way to deal with cancer was “to not let your proto-oncogenes spontaneously mutate in the first place.” Citing years of clinical research supporting her theory that cancer is never, in fact, the answer, Crow went on to suggest that the karmic retributions of the disease are severe… [Read more]

 

Dear Parents

Dear Parents: It’s September again, and you know what that means — back to school time! We’re so pleased that you’ve entrusted the education of your little one to the Church of God the Redeemer Preschool. As the only fully-accredited snake-handling worship center in the tri-state area, we here at CGR understand our unique role in nourishing your child’s mind and spirit… [Read more]

 

In Brief, Vol. I

Baltimore: Scientists at Johns Hopkins University, responding to pleas from parents of Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) children, are racing toward the discovery of a new drug to counteract the effects of Ritalin… [Read more]

 

In Brief, Vol. II

Paris: In a stunning reversal, several of the world’s most influential cosmetics makers have now agreed to make reparations for the 1980s… [Read more]

 

In Brief, Vol. III

Washington, DC: The American Psychiatric Association has finally quantified the relationship between excessive cat ownership and mental illness. The verdict? Three is the magic number separating healthy feline appreciation from diagnosable nuttiness… [Read more]

 

In Brief, Vol. IV

Tysons Corner, VA: Futura Industries, maker of Chapter 11 Bankruptcy, reported record end-of-quarter earnings this week. In an era where once-mighty corporate behemoths are plunging into oblivion, Futura’s announcement comes as welcome news to its shareholders and employees alike… [Read more]

 

Things to Do in Your Basement

Probe nefarious websites. While I can in no way promote this activity in my own basement (given the obvious legal repercussions), this is your basement. And let’s be honest: if you’re that uncomfortable with me using your computer, my friend, why didn’t you sense something was awry when I lifted your password last week… [Read more]

 

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